A War of Lies

I am an honorable and decent person

I am loving and loveable
I am desirable and adequate
I am honest and trusting

Wait…. this is not true, I have been lying
What should I do?

I know I will “become” a good person, I see what is needed
All I have to do is pretend, then no one will ever know
That I am really…

Incapable of being honorable or decent
That I cannot love nor am I loveable
That I am inadequate and therefore undesirable
That dishonesty and a lack of trust is core

This works!! They are all fooled
No one knows. Everybody thought I was perfect
I even believed my own lies.

I became all I ever wanted. All anyone could want me to be

Honorable and decent
Loving and lovable
Desirable and adequate
Honest and trusting

But if I am all that I ever wanted, what is going on inside of me?
There is a war going on
I don’t understand who is fighting who or why
But the fallout is destroying my life

I am acting without honor
I am acting without love
I am being dishonest to be desirable

This war inside me hurts and that pain has destroyed so much around me
It has destroyed all that I thought was true
This war has cost me all that is dear

The worst part,
The enemy, was myself.
The lies I fought against were the ones I told myself in the beginning
I believed the lie, or was it the truth? Maybe it was both
How sad to fight a 30-year war trying to prove something I knew when I was two.

I am loveable
It is that simple and that hard.
Can I now put a stop to this war and give it some kind of meaning?

Only with love, knowledge, courage and desire
By loving me first, then sharing it with you
Let me not forget what is true or this war will never end

SAA Monday Nights, Boulder